Things I hate

Work is really busy at the moment so I’ve got anger management issues. Dull rants on topics no one cares about relieves the stress.

On that note: Welcome to my latest post!

Things I hate:

  • The argument that decimate means one in ten, when it doesn’t

The meaning of words change over time. Yes, two thousand years ago, Latin speaking centurions didn’t decimate opponents and probably weren’t too keen on hearing the word at all.

Today, however, if something is decimated it means a large percentage of it was destroyed. Words change over time, mate. That’s the beauty of the English language. If someone tells you they are gay, do you clap your hands together and say “I’m happy too!”? I bet you don’t.

  • Cars with big exhaust

While I’m not particularly into cars, I enjoy seeing and hearing a good muscle car. There’s something about a classic 1970s Gran Turino or Road Runner V8 grumbling as it drives by. Less impressive is a Subaru Impreza Hatch with an exhaust pipe you could roll a basketball into.

I fail to understand the point. If your car was tough, it would sound tough. Isn’t having a large exhaust saying “My car isn’t tough enough to sound tough, so I’ve reduced the noise dampening equipment in an effort to suggest I have a larger engine that the one that currently resides under the bonnet”? Isn’t is simply saying “I’m nothing but a 4 cylinder wannabe”? Or “my penis is inadequate, what’s that noise? Look over there!”

Leave your Mum’s zoom-zoom Mazda 2 at home.

  • Cats

Cats. Seriously – WTF? They have no point as fauna or as human companions and should be completely eradicated from the Australian continent. As far as I hate (and this should really be a separate bullet point) people who say “Love it or leave it” I say this: Don’t like compulsory voting? Wanna cat? The answer is the same: Fuck off overseas.

  • Chess

I don’t really hate chess, but I’m hoping to score some chess troll boy-love in the comment section to boost my stats, so officially: Chess and StarCraft are games for losers who grow up to buy small three cylinder cars with large exhausts. There are no hot chicks playing StarCraft on the other side of the world. It’s just another guy a little hairier and a little fatter than you who likes to flirt. Thanks to the NDM for the heads-up

  • Art that isn’t about truth and beauty

Art fucks generally bitch about how little money they get from the government and whine about the good ol’ days when high art was appreciated by the masses. Examples like classical music fucks with their ironically discordant post-modern claptrap. Fucks who paint shit and tell you you are too stupid to understand it. Well here’s a thought, dickwads. Discordant music isn’t actually music. Splotches on canvas does not make a picture. Try beauty. Try truth. Try Van Gogh mo fo’s. Then perhaps money will flow. Or just do porn FFS.

  • Corporate hell

The idea that we are all happier than ever in history is a lie. The idea that Human Resources are there to defend your rights is a lie. Sure, we may be longer lived than any generation and usually far warmer, better fed with comfortable beds but our lives are ruined by this fucking bullshit existence called ‘career’. I say to young people: It is a trap. Don’t believe the sea-change lie either – it a clever part of the trap that says come in, you can leave anytime. Don’t get out – just DON’T GET IN. Do you want to be a bitter middle aged Dad writing blogs that no one reads? Which brings me to:

  • TV

TV sucks your life away. When you are on your deathbed and your relatives gather around to hear you speak your final words of wisdom, it’ll be a bit of a letdown if, instead of regaling them with stories of fucking beautiful woman while stoned off your brain on perfect sandy beaches metres away from spanish police officers, you can only say “I still don’t get the last episode of Lost” . Turn off the telly! Talk to your family! Free up time for books and Twitter! I totally plan to do all this one day!

  • Young people’s phone conversations better done in a private space but aren’t.

Large corporate IT departments tends to burn through young people quickly. They arrive – all shiny faced and enthusiastic with their coding skills and university fake-projects along the lines of “change the fucking world” and get ground down by actual IT work “This code errors forty-two times an hour, when it does, press the re-submit button and monitor. In four months, if you’re any good, we’ll give you another section of code to monitor. Actual coding is done in China by some guy who is just as smart, just as enthusiastic but more qualified, speaks eight languages and earns $80 a month”. But I digress.

There’s always some newbie sitting near me who is in love, but fighting with his girlfriend. He does it aloud on the call but doesn’t realise that while there is a background office hum, his one-side conversation along the lines of “just pay it the fine” and “I don’t like cats, I told you not to get me one for my birthday” or “It’ll only be a few drinks, you’ll love the guys” or my personal favourite “Maybe you should leave him, Mum” cuts through that hum in a fashion that only a pubescent quaver can. Gtalk is your friend. Use it. Love it. Spare me.

  • People who don’t like compulsory voting

I love voting. I look forward to elections being called. I enjoy being cynical and also being hopeful. Australia is one of six countries in the world that has been continuously democratic for one hundred years – the other five being The United States of America, Canada, The United Kingdom, New Zealand and Switzerland. Every other country in the world has been something other than democratic in this time frame. That has nothing to do with voting of course, I just have always liked that fact. House hasn’t been burnt down by mobs lately? Haven’t been stoned for your beliefs? Stoned with rocks? Vagina not sown up to ensure your purity?

You don’t really think about that on election day too often, eh? Australia doesn’t ask much of its citizens. Pay your taxes, and occasionally turn up at the polling booth, have your name checked off and if you like, vote. So if you don’t like it, fuck off. Google Map “Sydney International Airport” and fly the fuck out. With your cat.

Grumble grumble. The end.


18 thoughts on “Things I hate

  1. Wow. All I can say is that my husband would love you. Cats, TV, loud talkers, corporate hell (though he is having a sea change, but I digress)…. it may not have been your intention, but you have one more fan. Sorry it’s not a beautiful Spanish woman you can screw under the nose of the local Guardia.

    PS. And good luck with that new blood pressure medication.

  2. Oh, and I was just about to ask you to join me for a game of TV Chess in the Corporate Box at the MCG during a stadium spectacular show performed by the Australian Cat Opera.

  3. Look AnIdleDad.. you rock, and i’m all with your words changing over time. Gay no longer means happy, and hopefully even ‘marriage’ will be redefined once we get a non-wanker in The Lodge.

    But with this one.. IT HAS THE BLOODY NUMBER IN THE WORD!!! Can we add sheep shearing to the pentathalon? Sorry, all full. Can we add another side to that triangle? No you can’t, that’s makes it a quandrangle etc. etc.

    The rest, yeah all those people suck.

  4. I love voting too! Really any type of forms, our area was selected for a trial census last week to see if they could do it online next time I guess, as that was the new option. I was all geared up and excited about it, but because there was no ‘Form’ to fill out I forgot, I’m now afraid that the govt now thinks that our house and my family no longer exist! therefore I won’t be able to vote in the next election 😦

    I hate every cat except for my own. He’s a bit of a special needs cat being, you know, as dumb as a box of hammers…

    As for young IT peeps- we have one his voice can be heard above everything in the office. If I have to hear him talk to anyone about his girlfriend Katie being away/sick/exercising/getting fired/getting a new job/having some sort of medical issue I’ll go insane, very quietly mind you as I try to not bother my WORK colleagues with personal shit!

  5. Damn, you make an excellent Grump.

    You forgot – a cup of tea fixes everything.

    May I add? (I don’t care, I’m going to anyway πŸ˜‰

    People who continually mis-use words.
    My boss use to use get “Perspective” and “Prospective” mixed up all the time and it would shit me to no end.


  6. Wow! What a read!

    On most days when I get up I feel pretty good…only to have the realisation set in that I need to sit in corporate hell and listen to mindless meanderings of irrelevent people with petty problems and pretending to look busy for a company offering a product & service that I no longer believe in, I feel that I have reached the bottom of a mindless, senseless pit BUT then I read your blog and felt oh so much better knowing that that I wasn’t the only one.

    Thank you for making my morning.

    You now have another fan.

    1. My 100th blog comment is a proposal to marriage? Awesome!

      If only I’d known grumpiness was the path to success with the ladies.

      I like your plan, however my wife is faster, smarter and deadlier than I. I must decline.

  7. Oooh I like you with your cranky pants on. You also had me at large exhausts. I do believe the larger the exhaust the smaller the appendage on the man (or boy in most cases).

    Do remember to take your cranky pants off from time to time and have yourself a nice cup of tea, a bex and a good lie down.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s