iPad 2 Review: Lighter, thinner and two shitty cameras.

I could stop right there. But I won’t. I must also mention it has a shitty speaker that only Garry Barker could love (oh wait, he does). Of course, for those of us not taking direct payments from Apple (or as in Garry’s case, simply unable to write an objective or credible sentence on the topic) I must point out that the speaker is worse – much worse – than the original iPad. Sure, there’s a volume button, but what the fuck is it for? The little bastard is either on full or on silent.

Also, when you turn the iPad 2 side on, it is still visible to the eye. Unacceptable in this day and age.

That said, the iPad 2 a fucking shiny piece of kit. The feel and heft of the thing are a nice improvement. The funny thing I’ve noticed is that iPad 1 owners lift it and say “oh nice” and first timers lift it and say “Hmmmm, still a little heavy”. Well, they can piss off. Yes, I’m talking directly to you.

The thing is a marvel that makes Xoom (or whatever it is called) owners wee a little. Consider this: the $5 Garageband app and a $30 connector gives you more recording and editing power than the Beatles ever had. That should make everyone wee a little, don’t you think?

iCab Mobile is a web browser that is everything Safari should be, but isn’t. Dropbox integration, downloads, nicely done tabs, fully screen mode and more add-ons that you can shake a stick at. If you haven’t got it, get it.

This thing is so close to being the ultimate personal computer. If ONLY you could, say, attach a file to an email, or get it to understand we spell colour with a u and that no, I didn’t want to write ‘shut’.

So the iPad 2: zero stars (well, five stars minus one for each shitty camera, minus one for side-on visibility and minus two for the speaker). Get one. Right now.

Thor (2011) Review: Another charming good-looking buff-as Aussie takes a role and eats it for breakfast before impregnating half the women in the audience (through a complicated method of getting them all worked up so they go home and jump their partners – the other half just file him into their spank bank).

Is it fun? Shit yeah. Swords, guns, fistfights and ice giants and the biggest hammer you have ever seen. Seriously, just let this dude into North Korea and problem solved. One of the big problem Superman and super-powered people movies have is making it interesting. After all, the guy is a fucking God, who’s going to fuck with him at the pub? Even with those ludicrous blonde eyebrows. Did you see his hammer? Odin says the hammer has the power to destroy but also a greater power to build. I’m not so sure, for one, at no time in the movie does Thor do any kind of building with the giant come-fuck-you hammer and secondly, the tool that has the power to destroy and power to build is an allen key. Which makes a less interesting movie but can take up a whole weekend. And destroy a marriage. But I digress.

Kenneth Brenner, who made one of my top five movies “Much Ado About Nothing” written by some toff (and I believe if I wore a t-shirt that said “Much Ado About Nothing is one of my favourite movies” I’d get laid by random women more (that, or “I like watching Grey’s Anatomy”) – more as in, more often than never) makes Thor (to return to my point, lost two paragraphs ago) interesting by surrounding him by other super tough bastards, then of course, stripping his power. Honestly, it’s more interesting than it sounds.

Overall, Thor gets five stars. It’s good fun, great personable lead, and your date will most likely have sex with you after the movie. Go Aussies.

Nougat Eggs: The Egg of Eggs. Yet let down by freedom.

Look, I’m all for fair trade chocolate but let me tell you, slave-kids made great chocolate eggs. Not like the muck you get these days. Unions, I tell you: fuckers.

For example: take the mighty Nougat egg. Lovely blue wrapper with china-made little chicken on top. Chocolate coating filled with – of course – nougat. In my day, slave children filled it with white nougat with a centre of yellow nougat – just like an egg. Those slave children, with boot on neck, gave me a happy childhood. These days, it’s just sort of mixed yellow and white nougat. Sure, it might taste more like freedom but when was freedom worth more than nicely┬áseparated┬ácoloured nougat? Never.

Nougat egg: Four stars. Get one.